Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day: Remembering Havoc

On August 10, 2016, I found out that the baby I was carrying no longer had a heart beat. Havoc, the name I gave it for the time being, had barely grown since the first ultrasound. My heart sank.

Havoc at 7 week ultrasound.

Hubs and I had been talking this year that we should start trying for a family. In June, we decided that we would start trying after he returned from his two month business trip. About week after he flew out, I found out that I was pregnant. We were excited (more him), and we were anxious (more me), but we knew that we would be ready when the little one arrived.

I had my first ultrasound in the middle of July. Seeing the little bean on the monitor and hearing its heart beat made me melt. I was beginning to be less anxious and more excited about being pregnant. 

However, the doctor was cautious. She had noted the baby was a little small and some blood that was pooling outside of the placenta and noted that sometimes it was an indicator of a possible miscarriage. To be sure she wanted me to go back in two weeks to follow up. 

A few weeks after the miscarriage, I found out that I had a partial molar pregnancy. This kind of pregnancy happens in roughly 1 of 1500 women and results from fertilization of an egg with two sperm. (Basically, Havoc had an extra set of chromosomes) Since this kind of pregnancy has the (very very low) potential to lead to another disease, Hubs and I will have to wait for about six months before we can try again for a baby. 

I admit that it still hurts. It hurts because we were excited to be Havoc's parents and excited for the life we would have had.